I'm Upset - Now What? Alternative Dispute Resolution Could
Be Your Answer
By Hal Irvin and Dale Robinson,
Assistant Director for Training, Education, and Outreach, Equity and Access,
Virginia Tech Department of Human Resources
Many times in our careers we've been confronted by an upset colleague or campus employee who has come to
us with a story to share. The story goes something like this: my supervisor,
co-worker, subordinate (fill in the blank) was rude, mean, bossy, condescending
(fill in the blank) and I feel disrespected, hurt, frustrated, powerless (fill
in the blank). These are important conversations and we are always happy to
be of help... except when we can't.
A common theme in many
of these conversations is how they end. We ask the upset person how we can
help them. Often, we discuss strategies to resolve the situation. Just as often, the person tells us they won't be satisfied until other
people hear how upset they are.
They want to file a
grievance, document their concern to others, meet with more people to let them
know how they have been treated. When we ask how involving more people
will resolve the problem, they aren't sure. They aren't even sure what
they want to happen to the individual who upset them. What they are sure of is
that the more people know how badly they have been treated, the better.
We find - and we have
spoken to colleagues here at Virginia Tech who have similar experiences and agree with us - that the individual who has been deeply hurt by a negative interaction at
work is often the hardest to help. While they sincerely believe they have been
mistreated, there is generally nothing in their situation that would rise to
the level of discrimination, discriminatory harassment (Policy 1025), or a violation of some other Virginia Tech policy. As a
result, it is difficult to take an informal dispute and resolve it through a
formal process.
When it comes to what
they want, individuals in this situation most want for you to understand just
how upset they are. And going from office to office telling their story
or taking their concerns forward through a formal process doesn't usually
resolve the situation or make them feel any better. The root cause of the issue
is not with any of the people listening to the issue or trying to review the
complaint - it is between the two people that the problem started with in the
first place.
There are more
constructive approaches to take. When a colleague upsets you at work,
ask yourself what resolution you want and whether anyone outside those
immediately involved could make things better. Four practical steps
generally allow you to work through the matter before sharing the issue more
broadly or taking a more formal approach:
- After you calm down, within a day or so, reach out to
the other person to suggest you’d be interested in sitting down with them to
discuss your concerns about some specific event or topic and that you’d be
interested in hearing their view on that topic. Hopefully, they’ll agree
to meet with you. During the
meeting, explain your perspective or point of view and invite theirs. Listen carefully and acknowledge
both the information and the feelings each of you share with each other. After
you have each had an opportunity to express your concerns and your
feelings about the situation, talk with each other about what options might
be pursued so the situation and your work relationship could be improved. If
it’s possible to reach an agreement, make sure you are both clear with
what each of you will do going forward.
- If you are not satisfied with the results of that
discussion and feel the situation is serious enough, don't stop there.
Speak to the next person up in your supervisory chain and see if he
or she would be willing to meet with both of you to help clear the air.
- If that doesn't achieve the desired result, we have an
excellent mediation and conflict resolution program on campus which can
bring you and the other party together to mediate the conflict. You
and the other individual would agree to participate voluntarily, come up with
your own solutions (with the help of the mediator), and abide by what you
agree upon. In effect, you are both responsible for resolving your own
issue - with the help of a trained professional. You can skip 2 and
go directly to this step if you are uncomfortable with involving others in
your organization. If you participate in mediation, no record or
mention of the mediation is placed in any personnel file.
- Another option would be to seek some one-to-one
conflict management coaching to help you develop or improve your ability to
handle or manage existing or anticipated conflicts more effectively.
Professional development workshops on
conflict management are available to individuals through UOPD and the Diversity
Development Institute. Workshops for departments
or work groups can also be provided directly from the Conflict Resolution
Program in the Office for Equity and Access.
The next time you are upset and
wondering how to work through your concerns, see if you can work through the
situation informally. Alternative dispute resolution works and you may be
pleasantly surprised how effective it is.
Dale Robinson, Assistant Director
for Training, Education, and Outreach, can be reached at 540-231-1824 or via dbr@vt.edu.
